Shadewalker's Xanga

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 00:31:35 GMT

It's been years. Yet, I find the letter, and it's as if it was yesterday. How can she still be affecting me this much, this long after it ended? We haven't even exchanged more than a dozen words in the past 2 years.

Fuck, but I hate this. I hate the fact that her memory still has this much power over me. I hate myself for still loving her this much. Out of everything I've dated... I loved her the most. She was so open, so honest... but she wasn't, was she? She was just better at faking it.

Despite knowing better... I read the letter, and can feel the honest emotion flowing from it. The sheer heartbreak that was being forced on both of us. The love I felt for her. I miss her so much.

Hopefully, I won't get sucker punched like this again. I burned the letter. I couldn't keep it, because that was just holding onto the past. But I couldn't just throw it away, because that would have been... wrong. disrespectful. A blasphemy against everything. Besides. I couldn't let anyone else read that. Ever. So I did the only thing I could to protect it's sanctity, while attempting to let go of it all. I burned it.

I hope that you've found your peace, my first true love. I'm sorry things ended the way they did, and I'm sorry that things are the way they are between us. I can't keep falling apart at the memory of you, however. I've got to move on with my life, once and for all. And so, with this, I say my goodbyes. Once and for all.

Farewell, my fallen angel. Shalom.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 22:38:50 GMT

I've been off here for a while. Maybe everyone's forgotten who this is. That would be marvelous. It would mean my ramblings would once again have a place for complete anonymity.

Anyway. I need to sort my head out. Figure things out. So here goes.

First: school. I'm happy about it. I have a chance to prove that I can do it. And this time, I'll have earned it. Truly and honestly. No silver platters this time. And psychology is something that I can do properly. Without hating myself.

Second: work. fucking sucks that they waited this long to get in contact with me. I'm scared to death of having to get up early and stay late. Jim's almost killed me. Will this do the same? We'll see, I suppose.

Third: Love. Fucking sucks. royally, completely, and utterly. Girls I don't want to like me do. The one girl I've fallen for hard... to be honest, I don't know. I don't think she likes me. But I haven't asked her because I'm scared. I love spending time with her so much. If she doesn't like me, and things become awkward, I'll be devastated. I don't know what to do. *sighs* sometimes risks need to be taken, I suppose.

Finally: Me. I... am not normal. I haven't been for some time. I'm far darker than most people. And it makes them uncomfortable. I'm such an odd contradiction. I think I'm one of the nicer guys in the area. Least, among those my age, anyway. However, I have a very dark humor. Darker jokes are the most amusing to me. Violence has a certain... attraction for me. But the idea of hurting people upsets me. I hate people, but I love the person. Blood is beautiful, but drawing it is less than pleasing. Thoughts of death, people being maimed, war... none of it disturbs me. I'm not wishing it upon anyone, but... *shrugs* I don't know. I'm dark, and it really reduces my ability to interact with people. I understand their side of things, but I don't really know how to respond in ways that don't make them uncomfortable. It's a regular occurrence. And it's annoying when I make situations awkward just by opening my mouth. So what do I do about it? I could just not open my mouth. Unfortunately, that reduces my endeavors to be more social than I used to be. So what's the answer? I suspect that I shall be forced to reapply the filter on my words that I used when I was younger. Retrain myself to be socially acceptable, so to speak. In the end... if I want to be able to operate in our society, I'm going to have to change myself. And that, above all else, pisses me off to no end. Fuck cardboard cut outs. Fuck Sheeple. Fuck capitulating to the demands of a society that is monotonous, stagnant, and swiftly dying of a completely lack of individuality.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 19:30:47 GMT

Is it too late
Nothing to salvage
You look away
Clear all the damage

The meaning to
our words of love
Has disappeared

We used to love one another
Give to each other
Lie undercover so,
Are you friend or foe

Love one another
Live for each other
So, are you friend or foe
Cause I used to know

The promises
Are not concessions
An innocent show of affection
I touch your hand
A hologram
Are you still there

We used to love one another
Give to each other
Lie undercover so,
Are you friend or foe

Love one another
live for each other
So, are you friend or foe
Cause I used to know
(we used to, we used to,
we used to, used to, used to)

Is it too late
Nothing to salvage
You look away
Clear all the damage

The meaning to
Our words of love
Has disappeared

We used to love one another
Give to each other
Lie undercover so,
Are you friend or foe

Love one another
Live for each other
So, are you friend or foe
Cause I used to know

We used to love one another
Give to each other
Lie undercover so,
Are you friend or foe

Love one another
Live for each other
So, are you friend or foe
Cause I used to know

(Cause I used to know, are you friend or foe)
Lie undercover so, are you friend or foe

Love one another
Live for each other
So, are you friend or foe
Friend or foe, friend or foe
Friend or foe

Scars

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 09:04:04 GMT

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

[Chorus]

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

[Chorus x2]

Sound of Silence

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 01:27:28 GMT

Hello darkness, my old friend,
Ive come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one deared
Disturb the sound of silence.

Fools said i,you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whisperd in the sounds of silence.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 20:23:32 GMT

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone

You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 06:08:16 GMT

Ich liebe dich
Ich liebe dich nicht
Ich liebe dich nicht mehr
Ich liebe dich nicht mehr oder weniger als du
Als du mich geliebt hast
Als du mich noch geliebt hast

Die schönen Mädchen sind nicht schön
Die warmen Hände sind so kalt
Alle Uhren bleiben stehen
Lachen ist nicht mehr gesund und bald

Such ich dich hinter dem Licht
Wo bist du
So allein will ich nicht sein
Wo bist du

Die schönen Mädchen sind nicht schön
Die warmen Hände sind so kalt
Alle Uhren bleiben stehen
Lachen ist nicht mehr gesund, und bald

Ich suche dich hinter dem Licht
Wo bist du
So allein will ich nicht sein
Wo bist du
Ich such dich unter jedem Stein
Wo bist du
Ich schlaf mit einem Messer ein

Wo bist du

Translation

I love you
I love you not
I love you no more
I love you no more or less than you
Than you loved me
When you still loved me

The pretty girls are not pretty
The warm hands are so cold
All clocks have stopped
It's no longer healthy to laugh, and soon

I'll look for you behind the light
Where are you
I don't want to be so alone
Where are you

The pretty girls are not pretty
The warm hands are so cold
All clocks have stopped
It's no longer healthy to laugh, and soon

I look for you behind the light
Where are you
I don't want to be so alone
Where are you
I look for you under every stone
Where are you
I fall asleep with a knife

Where are you

Friday, October 12, 2007

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 07:19:51 GMT

Artist: Gackt
Title: REDEMPTION

Japanese Lyrics (Originals)

Shizuka ni sora ni kaeru anata no sugata wo
What else can I do besides avenge you?
Namida ga kareru made zutto mitsumete ita .

Afureru kanashimi wa kesenai kizuato ni,
Wasure wa shinai to chikatta.

Oreta tsubasa wo habatakase subete wo keshite miseyou,
Itsu no hi ka owari wo mukeru saigo no kane ga nariyamu made.

You told me live as if you were to die tomorrow.
Feel as if you were to be reborn now ,
Face as if you were to live forever.

Furueru yubi de akai namida wo nazotta,
I had nothing to lose, nothing truth
Hakanai omoide ga yami ni ochite yuku.

Saigo no hohoemi ga ukande wa kieru,
Nukumori dake wo nokoshite.

Yasashii dake no kotoba nara ima no boku wa iyasenai,
Hateshinaku tsuzuku tatakai ni kono mi ni subete sasageru dake.

Itsu ka wa kono sora ni daremo ga kaeru kara,
Wakare no kotoba wa iranai make it up.

Oreta tsubasa wo habatakase subete wo keshite miseyou,
Itsu no hi ka owari wo mukaeru saigo no kane ga nariyamu made.

Yasashii dake no kotoba nara ima no boku wa iyasenai,
Hateshinaku tsuzuku tatakai ni kono mi wo subete sasageru dake.

REDEMPTION!
REDEMPTION!

Translation

Your form which returns gently to heaven
What else can I do, besides avenge you?
I watched it for the longest time, until my tears dried up.

And the sorrow overflowing from the scar which can't be erased,
I swore that I would never forget it.

I'll flap my broken wings and erase it all some day you'll see,
Until the last bell ringing the dirge completes.

You told me to live as if you were to die tomorrow.
Fail not and be what we were now,
Face as if we want to have forever.

Red tears traced by a trembling finger,
I had nothing to lose, nothing to lose
It crashes through the dark memories.
The last smile wavered, and disappears,
And the warmth is all that's left.

Your kind and gentle words can't heal me now,
This body's only dedicated to the never ending fight.

Because everyone returns to heaven, some day,
You'll never need to say goodbye.

Break Out!
I'll flap my broken wings and erase it all some day, you'll see,
Until the last bell ringing the dirge completes.
Your kind and gentle words can't heal me now,
This body's only dedicated to the never ending fight.

Redemption!
Redemption!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 05:21:34 GMT

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Mad World
Enlarging your world
Mad World.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 02:33:31 GMT

To the one I love:

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

‘cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away

AND to you plastic, fake, thoughtless, cookie-cutter, wannabe, gossipmongering, little brats...

So much to say so little time for me, to explain the way I feel
You only see, things the way you want to see them(you want to see them)
It makes sense to you all these things you do
You’ve got it all figured out while everyone is confused
How do you do it? (how you do it?)
In your mind I'm just blind
You're right all of the time
If I think for myself, I guess I'm way out of line
I'm not who you are
I'm so sorry (i'm so sorry)

chorus:
I can't do anything right (right)
You don't know me, stay out of my life (life)
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to
I can't be like you
Don't want to be like you

I can't do anything right
You don't know me, stay out of my life
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to
I can't be like you
Be like you

No matter what I do it's never good enough
I give all that is me; still it's never enough
So, why try? I give up.
What does it feel like to be in your shoes
And walk over everyone like you do?(you)
Take me down again, I want you to. (want you to)
You're lovely, so beautiful and(so beautiful)
You're perfect in every way.(every way)
Your interior rusted and I'm so disgusted
Can't trust it. You're busted.

chorus:
I can't do anything right
You don't know me, stay out of my life
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to
I can't be like you
Don't want to be like you

I can't do anything right
You don't know me, stay out of my life
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to
I can't be like you
Be like you

I can't do anything right (repeat)

Is that it?