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Shadewalker
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Interests: Acting, /\/\ 1 IV |) G /-\ (v) 3 Z, sorrow, anger, learning, dark colors, truth.
Expertise: Hiding what you don't want to see
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message me
Member Since:
8/3/2005
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| It's been years. Yet, I find the letter, and it's as if it was yesterday. How can she still be affecting me this much, this long after it ended? We haven't even exchanged more than a dozen words in the past 2 years.
Fuck, but I hate this. I hate the fact that her memory still has this much power over me. I hate myself for still loving her this much. Out of everything I've dated... I loved her the most. She was so open, so honest... but she wasn't, was she? She was just better at faking it.
Despite knowing better... I read the letter, and can feel the honest emotion flowing from it. The sheer heartbreak that was being forced on both of us. The love I felt for her. I miss her so much.
Hopefully, I won't get sucker punched like this again. I burned the letter. I couldn't keep it, because that was just holding onto the past. But I couldn't just throw it away, because that would have been... wrong. disrespectful. A blasphemy against everything. Besides. I couldn't let anyone else read that. Ever. So I did the only thing I could to protect it's sanctity, while attempting to let go of it all. I burned it.
I hope that you've found your peace, my first true love. I'm sorry things ended the way they did, and I'm sorry that things are the way they are between us. I can't keep falling apart at the memory of you, however. I've got to move on with my life, once and for all. And so, with this, I say my goodbyes. Once and for all.
Farewell, my fallen angel. Shalom.
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| I've been off here for a while. Maybe everyone's forgotten who this is. That would be marvelous. It would mean my ramblings would once again have a place for complete anonymity.
Anyway. I need to sort my head out. Figure things out. So here goes.
First: school. I'm happy about it. I have a chance to prove that I can do it. And this time, I'll have earned it. Truly and honestly. No silver platters this time. And psychology is something that I can do properly. Without hating myself.
Second: work. fucking sucks that they waited this long to get in contact with me. I'm scared to death of having to get up early and stay late. Jim's almost killed me. Will this do the same? We'll see, I suppose.
Third: Love. Fucking sucks. royally, completely, and utterly. Girls I don't want to like me do. The one girl I've fallen for hard... to be honest, I don't know. I don't think she likes me. But I haven't asked her because I'm scared. I love spending time with her so much. If she doesn't like me, and things become awkward, I'll be devastated. I don't know what to do. *sighs* sometimes risks need to be taken, I suppose.
Finally: Me. I... am not normal. I haven't been for some time. I'm far darker than most people. And it makes them uncomfortable. I'm such an odd contradiction. I think I'm one of the nicer guys in the area. Least, among those my age, anyway. However, I have a very dark humor. Darker jokes are the most amusing to me. Violence has a certain... attraction for me. But the idea of hurting people upsets me. I hate people, but I love the person. Blood is beautiful, but drawing it is less than pleasing. Thoughts of death, people being maimed, war... none of it disturbs me. I'm not wishing it upon anyone, but... *shrugs* I don't know. I'm dark, and it really reduces my ability to interact with people. I understand their side of things, but I don't really know how to respond in ways that don't make them uncomfortable. It's a regular occurrence. And it's annoying when I make situations awkward just by opening my mouth. So what do I do about it? I could just not open my mouth. Unfortunately, that reduces my endeavors to be more social than I used to be. So what's the answer? I suspect that I shall be forced to reapply the filter on my words that I used when I was younger. Retrain myself to be socially acceptable, so to speak. In the end... if I want to be able to operate in our society, I'm going to have to change myself. And that, above all else, pisses me off to no end. Fuck cardboard cut outs. Fuck Sheeple. Fuck capitulating to the demands of a society that is monotonous, stagnant, and swiftly dying of a completely lack of individuality.
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Is it too late
Nothing to salvage
You look away
Clear all the damage
The meaning to
our words of love
Has disappeared
We used to love one another
Give to each other
Lie undercover so,
Are you friend or foe
Love one another
Live for each other
So, are you friend or foe
Cause I used to know
The promises
Are not concessions
An innocent show of affection
I touch your hand
A hologram
Are you still there
We used to love one another
Give to each other
Lie undercover so,
Are you friend or foe
Love one another
live for each other
So, are you friend or foe
Cause I used to know
(we used to, we used to,
we used to, used to, used to)
Is it too late
Nothing to salvage
You look away
Clear all the damage
The meaning to
Our words of love
Has disappeared
We used to love one another
Give to each other
Lie undercover so,
Are you friend or foe
Love one another
Live for each other
So, are you friend or foe
Cause I used to know
We used to love one another
Give to each other
Lie undercover so,
Are you friend or foe
Love one another
Live for each other
So, are you friend or foe
Cause I used to know
(Cause I used to know, are you friend or foe)
Lie undercover so, are you friend or foe
Love one another
Live for each other
So, are you friend or foe
Friend or foe, friend or foe
Friend or foe | | |
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I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is
[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand
[Chorus]
I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
[Chorus x2] | | |
| Hello darkness, my old friend,
Ive come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.
In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one deared
Disturb the sound of silence.
Fools said i,you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence
And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whisperd in the sounds of silence. | | |
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